The Hitchhiker's Guide To Muggle Life
by Ozzy-Rox170890
Summary: Hermione Granger, head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office, is asked to team up with her old school friend Harry Potter to write a book on how to live with and live like Muggles. Section One is living with decent muggles, like Hermione’s parents. Sec


A/N: My first attempt at a humourous fic. Review and tell me what you all think about it.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Summary: Hermione Granger, head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office, is asked to team up with her old school friend Harry Potter to write a book on how to live with and live like Muggles. Section One is living with decent muggles, like Hermione's parents. Section Two is living with not-so-decent muggles, like the infamous Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and Spoiled-Brat Dudleykins Dursley. In other words, the muggles Harry grew up with. Hence, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to Muggle Life_ is written. (10 years after Hogwarts)

A knock came at the door to Hermione Granger's dim office in the Ministry of Magic's Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office, of which she was the head and sole member, after Perkins died and Arthur Weasley quit in protest of Cornelius Fudge, ex-Minister of Magic.

You might think that, being head of the office, Ms. Granger might get a nicer office than the room not much bigger than the broom closet across the hall. However, seeing as how her department was not the most popular department in the ministry, her office didn't even merit a single window. But Hermione didn't mind. She found that she worked better without the distractions of whatever the Magical Maintenance lot decided to put for the weather each day.

"Come in," Hermione said in her pleasant, always-chipper, head-of-department voice.

In walked a tall man, with jet-black hair, green eyes, and round glasses with black frames. He could have been anyone, if not for the lightning scar on his forehead, barely visible unless you knew to look.

"Harry! It's so good to see you again!" cried Hermione, switching back to her natural voice. She hated using the fake voice, but for all she knew before the door opened, it could have been Draco Malfoy, Minister of Magic, who was just waiting for the perfect chance to sack her. And he would have if he heard her use any other voice than the bright, chipper one.

"Hey, Hermione," Harry said, pulling Hermione into a friendly hug, "Good to see you again, too."

Looking around, Harry smiled as he remembered. He remembered that the last time he had been in this office, he was with Mr. Weasley, and he was worried that he may never go back to Hogwarts. That had been the summer before his fifth year, thirteen years ago.

"What brings you to this, well…dingy little office of mine?" Hermione asked, wanting to say something besides dingy, but the Minister had forbidden any swearing in the Ministry. Very uncharacteristic of the greatest foul-mouthed prick of all, Draco Malfoy. 'Hypocrite,' Hermione thought.

"I got a letter from the Minister. Normally, any mail I got from Malfoy I would promptly place in the trash bin, but this one had something about it. So, I opened it up and read it. Guess what it was, Hermione?"

"What?"

"An proposition to write a book on living with muggles! It said I could have a co-author, so I thought to myself, 'Who knows more about muggles than anyone else and is still a witch or a wizard?' and you just popped right into my head, first thing. So…will you help? Please?"

Hermione sat in her chair, mouth agape. A book? Not just any book, but a guide to living with muggles? A guide to living with muggles that was commissioned by none other than the greatest muggle-hater of all time (well, besides You-Kn—oh, all right, Voldemort), Draco Malfoy? Hermione couldn't believe it. This was even more uncharacteristic than the Swearing on the Job ban Malfoy had placed when he became Minister of Magic three years ago. 'I wonder who he's trying to impress…' Hermione thought to herself.

"Hermione? Please? I don't know anything but misery on living with muggles. I need your help to be able to tell people that not all muggles are total assholes!"

"HARRY!" Hermione was appalled. Harry would get her fired if he swore at all in her office!

"Sorry, Hermione, it slipped," he apologized, "But please, I really need your help with this."

"Of course I'll help," Hermione said, then mentally smacked herself. Of course! This was a plot by Malfoy to get her fired! He would pretend he didn't know anything about it, and then when the book was published, he would pretend to be appalled and fire Hermione for fraternizing with muggles! How could she be so _stupid_? Oh well, no backing out now, and at least she had a back-up job. Once again, she was very glad that she started S.P.E.W in her fourth year, even if no one else cared about how the poor little house elves had to clean up after every last person in that school. If it weren't for that, Hermione might have actually enjoyed her last three years at Hogwarts, instead of worrying that the house elves were overworked and underpaid. Or not even paid at all!

"Thanks a bunch, Hermione! I thought that this book would only be about the bad aspects of the muggle world and not focusing mainly on the good."

"No problem. When are we starting?"

"Well, we'll have to take notes on the muggles first. I think I'll drop by my aunt and uncle's house. They haven't seen me in a really long time. I think I'll bother them a bit and see if I can get notes on what living with them now is like," Harry said, "You can probably take notes on you parents. They're nice muggles."

"Yeah, I probably will take notes on mum and dad. Enjoy talking to your aunt and uncle, now."

"Oh, I will. I'm a qualified wizard now. I can use magic on them," Harry laughed. Hermione shot him a look, trying not to laugh but failing miserably.

"Let's meet up at The Leaky Cauldron in three days and compare notes. I'm sure my parents won't mind my staying with them for a few days, although they're still wondering why I'm not dating anyone and they'll probably try to get me to date Quince Pernell, who is this…well, donkey in a ditch. He lives next door to my parents and according to them, he's worshipped the ground I walk on since we were both six," Hermione said, not really knowing why she went in such a rant about Quince, even if he was an asshole.

Harry laughed, "Three days with the Dursleys? I'll be lucky if they don't kill me within five seconds!"

A/N: OK, peoples! Review and tell me what you think about this story. The next chapter is what Hermione does at her parents' house!


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